I recently saw a video answering the question “why do autistic people toe walk”. In the video the speaker explains that while not all toe walkers are autistic and not all autistic people toe walk there is a known connotation between the two and a reason for it. He explains that the reason for toe walking originates from emotional stress which translates into physical stress on the body. As autistic people encounter more stress in their daily lives, this means that they would also be more likely to be impacted by the physical affects of stress which would lead to toe walking.
Specifically, toe walking often happens when stress causes muscle tension, muscle tension in the back causes the spine to curve, a curved spine causes the pelvis to tilt forwards. This pushes the center of balance forward which encourages toe walking.
This made me realize something interesting about myself. When I was in school my hand writing was atrocious and illegible. My father once asked me “what do you think people think of you when they see your handwriting?” I responded “well, doctors are really smart and have bad handwriting so i think it makes me look smart.” He laughed at me. I deserved it. My struggle with writing isn’t just that my script is exceptionally bad. When I wrote for too long (most of three lines on a piece of paper) my hand, wrist, and arm would cramp up and hurt quite a bit. I even considered pursuing a diagnosis of dysgraphia, because I felt that i had all of the criteria to at least a moderate degree.
After seeing the video, my childhood cramping does not surprise me anymore. During my time in school I was subjected to much emotional- and sometimes even physical- abuse. I was under much stress which led to tension in my hands. When writing my fingers would not relax naturally which caused all of the small movements necessary to write to be jerky and uncontrolled, leading to a total mess of unreadable scribbles.
This theory that my handwriting was impacted by stress has more evidence. After leaving school I stopped writing by hand completely, even that to the point that if someone asked me to write something I would flatly say “I cannot.” Recently I bought a field note book and started using that to write notes instead of using my phone. Despite being over a decade out of practice my handwriting is significantly better than what it was when I was in school. The stress of being in school is gone and so is my cramping. My writing is actually legible now.
Whether it is a quirk of being autistic or just something personal about me I do not feel stress on an emotional level. If I’m going through a tough time it would barely even register to me unless I stop and audit myself. How bad is the urge to stim right now? Am I having more trouble than usual looking people in the eyes when conversing? Is masking more difficult than usual? How janky is my handwriting and walking gait? Have I been more nauseous lately? Do I have the physical sensation of ants crawling around inside my brain? I have to actually notice these physical affects and respond to them. If I see that my body is displaying a higher level of stress then I need to do something about it; maybe go out into nature, pray, stretch, or have a drink to get my anxiety down. You might think it’s cool to not feel stress. “Wow, I could get so much done if I wasn’t so stressed out all the time!” Not feeling stress is much like not feeling pain. People with nerve damage that causes them to not feel pain also have to constantly check their bodies. If you get a cut and don’t notice it because it doesn’t hurt you will just keep bleeding everywhere until you actually see that you are hurt. If you sprain or even break something in your legs you’ll just keep using that body part as normal and keep increasing the damage to it instead of getting off your feet to recover. If I do not manage my stress I end up being unable to sleep properly, am constantly nauseous, feel depressed, and get sick more often.
Stress management does not have to be a personal struggle. People can do things that reduce stress for everyone. For example work place policies that would benefit autistic people would also benefit stress reduction in everyone else too. Allow for flex time, if you make it into the office 15 minutes late then no big deal, leave 15 minutes late. Allow people to wear headphones. Autistic people are not the only people that want to avoid social interaction. People with ADD/ADHD would also benefit from wearing headphones. They would be less likely to have someone approach their desk and create a distraction with conversation that would make it difficult to stay on or return to their task. Some neurotypical people either just aren’t in a talking mood or need to hunker down and get some work done. A relaxed clothing policy means no more tight shirt collars and scratchy shirts for autistic people. I can say from personal experience that while its easy to find comfortable relaxed wear clothing, finding clothing that is business appropriate and comfortable is a great difficultly. A relaxed clothing policy benefits neurotypical employees too. People can wear things that make them feel more comfortable or confident in themselves and ultimately more happy. There are numerous studies showing that happy employees are more productive, but just knowing that the people that work for you are happy should be more than enough incentive to make positive changes.